Addendum to an ode to joy

pretentious little bastard as i’ve always been,
i’ve tried so many times to look at the unseen,
i’ve searched for that which never will be found.
though once i hoped i might escape it, now i’m bound
to what was in the past a mere figure in the sky…
illusions that we see, shapes in the clouds up high,
a smile or the saddest face reflected in a puddle
in which you step to clear away the huddle
of feelings and emotions that slowly take control,
enslaving you in whirlwinds of abismal fall…

that’s me! i am the one who jumps into the water,
head first, to clear away the thoughts of murder,
of murdering what we created throughout time
when what we had was innocent and sweet, divine.
i like to ruin everything so i can start again,
start from the point where i can feel no pain
start from the laughter, from the time we stare
each other in the eyes for hours! not a glare
is lost, for if it is, the magic goes away
and nothing brings it back… i know no other way.

so listen closely, as you’ll only hear this once:
love’s only an infatuation, love’s only having lost
what you had built for years on end. it’s the disgust
you feel when nothing else is left but lust,
carnal desire, putrified feelings of eternal sunshine,
that only last a second. i’ll show you a good time,
as long as i am not involved. So, do you get me now?
do all my words start ringing any bells somehow?
i do not love, i do not feel, i do not care…
i’m here to provide for you the after taxi fare.